It was All for John


JOHN SAWA didn’t have the guts to go to the funeral because of what had happened. His mother was dead and it was all his fault.

He put the bottle to his mouth, tilted it all the way up and The Jack followed suit, going all the way down to his throat and into his system.

Right now he couldn’t feel a thing. He’d never drank whiskey like that, hell he’d never drank it any other way before because this was his first drink. In all his 20 something years on earth this was his first drink and he loved it.

“Jane why,” he mumbled to himself.

He was totally drunk, and sitting on the top edge of a High-rise flat in Vera Town.

(It seems so far down from here)

He tilted the bottle again and the Jack Daniels whiskey did its part. It burned his throat no doubt but that was nothing compared to how Jane had burned him.  And burned was an understatement, she had scorched him, took his heart out and charred it to ashes.

(How could she do that, after all the promises?)

He was crying now, sobbing in fact, similar to that saying ‘like a little girl.’

He wiped his nose with his left prosthetic hand and looked below him again. He saw vehicular lights but from up here you couldn’t tell what vehicle they were from. At this time of night, everything down there looked like a miniature society, like a speck or ants.

He wriggled his leg to release his right shoe and watched it go down. It seemed like forever before he heard it make a soft thud sound on the pavement below.

(It’s definitely a long way down there)

He expected to feel something other than regret and torment, but still nothing happened. The torture still lingered like flies on garbage. 

(What am I doing?)

He tilted the bottle to his mouth for the third time and this time no liquid was left in the bottle. He raised it in front of him and looked at it, surprised and dazed. How could he finish the bottle and not drown his sorrow?

(Goodbye my friend, at least you haven’t disappointed me much)

He let go of the bottle and thought it took longer than the shoe to hit the bottom. The shattering sound was barely audible when it hit the ground.

That couldn’t be right.

He wriggled his left foot and released the remaining shoe. He was sure it took the longest to reach the ground.

(Whatever, they all reached the bottom anyway)

He was now very sure what he had to do. Nothing else made much sense. There was no turning back now. He was going to follow his shoes.

(In fact I’ll be reaching that bottom very soon)

It was the only way.

He breathed in deep and remembered what he could about that day Jane was to come over to see him but she hadn’t. She really fucked his life up with that. She destroyed everything. It was perhaps simple for her but it had ruined him.

He couldn’t make himself think about what happened after that. He inhaled deep again and realised how easy it was going to be to jump. He would just plunge and the rest would take its course.

(I’m sorry, mama!)

He shut his eyes and knew he was never going to open them again. Even when he jumped he would keep them closed and wait for it to be done.

But when he let himself go, John opened his eyes just as it was over and everything made perfect sense to him. He wasn’t scared or afraid. He saw his end and was relieved to feel the wind on his face as he went down.

Everything after that was nothing.



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